I am in a January kind of mood this week.  Its appropriate, I suppose, given that its January.  But nevertheless for me its not a pleasant place to be.  I am here every year, like clockwork.    And every year I bemoan it.

I am hungover from the holidays.  Exhausted from the juggling.  I have given up trying to keep all the balls in the air and they are most of them laying at my feet, rolling around and tripping me up.  The one or two that I am haven’t dropped I am tossing in a half-assed manner, petulantly, like a teenager. 

I am wandering around restless seeking something better.  I am having a hard time settling back into life.

The clutter piles up around me.  The important phone calls and emails go unreturned.    There is giggling in the kitchen but I am here, sitting at my computer, looking for something-I am not sure what.  During the holidays when I was so busy busy busy, there was an excuse why these things dropped, why I disconnected. 

Now…I have no reason other than that I don’t want to do my chores.  They are mundane.  They are SO 2007.  I am resisting. 

Every January I find myself here.  It is an awkward little place between the holidays and the spring (which I always declare coming in February).   To me it feels the whole world is on hyperdrive–moving forward on New Years resolutions.  I want to join them–I want to go too!  New adventures!  Excitement! 

Others around me seem to sink into their routines, quickly adjust to the post-holiday with efficiency and joy.  They are relieved the holidays are over because they are now back in their groove.  I want to be with them too!

But instead I feel completely unable to move forward–stuck.  I am neither able to move forward in search of new adventures or sink into my everyday life. 

And every January, around this time, I realize there is only one thing to do:  I need to pick up the balls, one by one and get my rythmn back.   Because even I am feeling restless, I want so desperately to settle in, mind the tiny details of my life, pay the bills, sweep the floor, feed the cat, play my guitar, read my book, cuddle the boy but its as though I have forgotten how.  And the relearning just seems so hard.  

Every January, I have to relearn, have to reestablish our routine.  I tell myself it shouldn’t be this hard, and yet, every year it is.

Lying in bed this morning, listening to the rain, it was comforting to remember that this place is a normal place for me.  That I am here every year.  That every year I resist reestablishing my routine, that I resist my discipline.  It is helpful to remember that I always get my groove back one way or another and that it does all fall into place–not magically–but ball by ball with intention and mindfulness and a whole lot of kindness to my self.

Tonight,  I will cancel the plans I made and stay in instead.  I will pay some bills.  I will read a book.  I will hold my son until he falls asleep and with that settling, I will pick up the first ball.  

2 Responses to “January mood”

  1. Karen Says:

    Yahoo. All the details are tiny. All the fish are little. One ball at a time.

  2. Jena Strong Says:

    I laughed at myself when I read this, having just written what I realize looks like quite a big January list of intentions, blah blah blah! Glad you stayed home. Cancel, cancel. Take good care of you.