There is a theme that is repeating itself over and over again in my life. It is a theme of magic, of things happening exactly at the right time and the right place. This lifetime, I am relearning about faith. And I feel like right now, at this very point, I am getting a crash course in it.
When I was a child, I had no problems with faith. I trusted blindly. I feared nothing.
But then, unfortunately I learned to worry. To doubt. I can’t say exactly when it started but I know by the time I was deep into my teens I knew exactly what lack of faith meant. I knew how to predict (and expect) every worst case scenario. I became an expert in disbelief . I actually remember counseling myself to plan for it all to fall apart so that I would be pleasantly surprised if it didn’t.
I suppose it was a way to try and gain a sense of control on this messy roller coaster we call life. I really needed to believe that I was in charge. That I could control what would happen to me on a daily basis. I can say that I almost earned a masters degree in seeking control. Ask my ex-husband. Ask my boss. Ask anyone who had to work on a project with me. I came armed with to-do lists and workplans and plan b, c, and d. Skeptism was my shield. I really believe that it would all fall to crap right without my carefully thought through plans. Needless to say, I put alot of pressure on myself to make sure those plans were right. And interestingly enough, the more plans I made, the more complicated and fierce, the less I trusted that they were, in fact, going to get me where I needed to go. It was an endless cycle of stress and fear.
When my marriage started to fall apart, so too did my illusions that I actually was going to be able to control exactly what happens to me. I struggled for a long time with that lack of control. I couldn’t make Juan come home. I couldn’t make Max happy. I couldn’t stop the tears, the hurt, the disappointment.
But right smack dab in the middle of that shit, something beautiful took root.
As my illusions of control slipped away, the only thing I could do was put one foot in front of the other and breathe and trust that if I did that I would keep moving forward and that I would live.
It was a slowly grasped lesson, this learning to trust thing. But like a rock which I finally have been able to nudge down a slope, I feel it accelerating at a rapid rate in my life. The more I trust that I am being held by someone greater, the more I trust my inner wisdom and own intuition, the more I give up needing to control and instead decide to just go with the flow, the more abundance and joy flows into my life, and the easier and freer I feel.
It happens in big ways, ways I have yet to really even begin to write about, but it happens in small ways too.
Like tonight. My darling housemate, a trained chef who cooks like a madwoman, had carefully planned and cooked a feast for friends who eat with us each Tuesday. But work meetings and traffic jams and college interviews kept them from our door. We sat in our house at 6pm with food to feed an army and just our little weary band. It could have been cause for dismay and cursing at the traffic and work Gods. But she and I both feel that things happen for reasons and really that the food would not go to waste. The cancellation was not a cause for disappointment but an opportunity to make magic happen elsewhere. We got on the phone and started calling around. Our very first phone call was to a friend who had dinner guests coming supposedly with food. But they were not yet there and the children were hungry. “Come” they said, “bring your food. We will make a party for them when they get here we will all eat like kings”. And so we did. Sure enough when their friends arrived they had been held up and did not have much with them. A ready made dinner supplemented with the little they could bring was nothing short of a miracle. A tiny everyday miracle–the kind where it seems that things unfold exactly as they should.
I am reminded today as I go about my day, how life just does seem to fall into place. Flowers blossom without our efforts. When we relax into ourselves, we blossom too. Love and joy bubble up, even when we didn’t try to make it happen. Opportunities cross our paths that change our lives almost magically. Sometimes growth, beauty all the good stuff–it happens despite ourselves. We learn, we grow, we fall in love and end up in beautiful places.