Back when I was in my teens or very early 20s I had a vision of my future and it looked like this: I would finally make it, be wildly famous if only in a small circle, have lots of friends, and life would be largely effortless.

The things that would be difficult, I imagined would be amazing challenges–like hiking up high Asian mountains, or writing THE speech, or winning some national prize. I imagined that things like getting the laundry done, remembering birthdays, matching my clothes and looking passably fashionable would be so old hat. Certainly things like caring for children and getting a healthy dinner on the table and the grocery shopping done–that stuff would be done breezily in no time flat, leaving me lots of time to struggle nobly with poetry, and science and other meaningful critical important stuff.

I read this post today by Jena–Her blog is often a mirror for me–I go there and see so much of my own internal world reflected. In her post I recognized so clearly the way I sometimes hold the ordinary regular old stuff in my life. I wonder why it is 20 years later and I am still struggling to figure out how to get the cat fed and the recycling to the curb and the kitchen floor mopped, why small things can leave me feeling a bit flustered and why I do not have a perfectly ordered and neatly wrapped up life like “everyone else”. Or I stomp around grumpily through the mundane wondering when I can get through it, when there is going to be time to be brilliant and glamorous the way I imagined it would always be. Fortunately, I recognized too my own eventual settling into the notion that really at the end of the day I am enough. Happily enough.

I am so thrilled to be regular and unglamorous. To not always have it together. To screw up and make mistakes and learn.

Yesterday Jen Lemen talked about many of the things that leave her feeling foolish. Oh I have my list too. Many of them are mentioned above. Jen and I spend hours giggling over all the ways we play the fool and yet in this laughter I see beauty reflected back at me. I look in this mirror and know that I am exactly perfectly who I need to be right now. That its quite OK to be able to the kind of person who doesn’t always hold it all together so neatly but instead who runs around with life spilling over her arms, dropping pieces of lovingly constructed color along the way. Flawed but authentic. Jumping in with both feet. Getting messy. Living now.

And just now, I stood at this mirror. How crisply I saw my reflection in Bella’s story even though the contours are so very different. I am on the otherside of my divorce and am truly healed and yet the echoes of who I once was are still there. And I wonder what that means. Like Bella, after a long struggle to overcome difficult things I am used to being in healing mode. I laugh with glee when I realize that I am actually on the other side –not in the thick of it anymore and have to giggle when I say, “What is my excuse now? What is holding me back”

And speaking of now, I also today found this little gem at another of my favorite places to go for comfort–Cheerio Road. I thought Karen Maezen Miller just hit it perfectly–this notion of what it means to live in the moment. To be present NOW. Its so cliche, so chic these days to talk about THE NOW as though you need some special sort of wisdom, you need to have obtained some special enlightenment to live in the present. I am printing this post out and taping it to my mirror to remind myself that there is no future when I will be glamorous–there is no time when it will all fall together. There is no time when I won’t play the fool. There is no time when I will forget what happened in the past. No–there is only now. With me in it, enough–more than enough.

I am tonight standing at my mirrors, gazingly lovingly at soulsisters who hold themselves up so that I may see myself clearly. And am thankful.

5 Responses to “Mirror Mirror on the Wall”

  1. bella Says:

    What a gorgeous weaving you have done here, a rich tapestry of so many threads in your life.
    I know what you mean, about thinking you would be doing “great things”. And then it kind of hits you- this IS my life.
    May you continue to embrace your life with such courage, honesty and compassion.
    love to you.

  2. Jena Strong Says:

    You are good people. What a fun house of mirrors to have found ourselves in, in which to find ourselves.

    Grateful, honored.

    xo Jena

  3. Karen Says:

    Thank you for hearing me holler into the wind. I love you.

  4. Jen Ballantyne Says:

    Great Mirrors to find hey babe! I too find such wisdom and sanity reading these women’s blogs and yours of course. Keep writing. Love to you xxx

  5. Kara aka Mother Henna Says:

    Recently I was pondering this same kind of thing, Meg, and my friend Lisa responded to me by asking this question:

    What if we behave, make choices wherever we are, with the options open to us in that moment, as if we are living our most cherished dream?

    That question rattles around in my head every day now. It is like this big huge sign post that say NOW, NOW, NOW. I had this moment of like the recycling bag spilling over, the dishwasher leaking all over the floor and a bird flying into the kitchen window all at like the same second this one day. And Lisa’s question popped in my head. What had the potential for me, in the past, to have melted down completely, suddenly turned into this hilarious moment thinking:

    What if I behave, making choice here and now, with exactly what is going on, as if I am living my most cherished dream?

    I don’t know if that makes sense or not. But instead of being frustrated and angry at it all, I suddenly wanted to be tender and gentle and attentive because I was acting like this was my most cherished dream.

    Anyway, it was an exercise in NOW that actually connected with me in the moment of need! :)
    Miracles,
    k-