Its been almost a week since I’ve been able to sit down and write. In fact, its been a week since I have been able to do much of anything expressive. Words are not coming to me and indeed I find myself wandering silently about my day.

I am in a resting space.  A yin space.  I have been dwelling in silence.

Its been a wild rollcoaster of emotions here. The high of the party was followed this week unbearably sad news about my housemate’s daughter having TB and the hopelessness that comes to all of us when we realize there is nothing we can do but pray and hope and send money for medicine and pray some more.  There is nothing I can do to comfort my dear Odette.  I feel almost empty.  If I am honest, I have to admit that part of my silence is my anger with the universe, with this someone greater who is holding us.  I feel like we are being played with, toyed with, made fun of.  That we dared to hope for magic and instead we got a cruel twist of fate.   We have been asking for miracles and we are answered with radio silence and so I am just silent myself.

But at the same time, something keeps telling me that the story is not yet over and that somehow it is all unfolding exactly as it needs to.  It is so easy to remember that when everything is going well.  Its so much harder to accept that when it seems to be going to shit.   Holding on to faith this week has been hard.

On Friday, I raised my head and realized I had misplaced most of what I needed to get through my life. My bank card, my cell phone, my work security ID, my keys.   The house was filled with junk. The yard is overgrown. Everywhere I look I see the signs that I just need to buckle down and tend to the little things in life right now. I somehow believe that if I can just pay all the bills, pick up the clothes and fix the broken things around the house that maybe, just maybe the part of my heart that is feeling drained will fill back up again.  I believe that if I can just gather the scattered pieces of my life my scattered faith, my scattered energy might just come home too.

So this coming week I plan to chop wood and carry water.  To fill my moments with the ordinary tasks in front of me in the hopes that I can regain my voice and find a little patience for the world.     I am going to focus, not on big things like hope and joy but on little things like clean laundry and less clutter.  Lets see what happens at the end.

6 Responses to “Radio Silence”

  1. jen lemen Says:

    amen, sister! me, too. me, too.
    we can chop wood and carry water together.

  2. maggie, dammit Says:

    so sorry.

    Still wondering and thinking about you all. I appreciate the update, I know you have more on your mind than blogging. My heart is squeezed for you.

  3. Jen Ballantyne Says:

    Meg we have had a similar week. I to was very introverted in the past week and a bit. I am a little better now, going out for the day to the zoo really helped me. I know something will happen to help you feel better too my darling, in the meantime do carry water and chop wood and get your house in order. That always helps me to feel better. I love you and remember I am thinking of you each day. Take care dear friend xx

  4. Karen Says:

    Trust, trust, trust is far more useful than hope. And not trust in a particular outcome, but trust in the way as it is, as it goes. Little Grace giving everyone the lesson in big grace, vast and unknowable, demanding only that we pay attention and take care of what is, not what could be. But I don’t need to say this: life teaches us this lesson by itself. What I need to say is that I love you all, and say service daily for health and auspiciousness.

  5. Jena Says:

    I’ll be with you in spirit as I file months’ worth of papers and sort clothes and try to stay present in the midst of great unknowns… Much love to you and Odette and everyone you love, too. xo Jena

  6. Another Meg Says:

    Yes, restoring order to the home often helps restore order to my universe. So, too, does purging some area of clutter, or going through and reorganizing clothing and purging all the stuff that you swore last time you did this you’ll wear but never managed to do so.

    Deep breaths… focus on what’s really important… focus on restoring order… and you will restore yourself.