Late last night, my stomach full of yummy, yeasty homemade pizza, I lay down my head to sleep. Sleep was not coming though and so I was able to indulge (thanks to the magic of cheap phone cards) in a three hour marathon conversation with my dear friend Jen down under.

It amazes me, even now, that she and I found each other. We live literally half a world away from each other but our hearts beat at the same frequency. I can’t quite figure out how the universe matched us up, but in some ways, it almost doesn’t matter how. The fact that we are connected now is all that really is important.

Getting off the phone with Jenni I was drunk on the notion of possibility.

But I had called her in an impossibly bad mood. My last several weeks have been about meeting obstacle after obstacle–many of them homemade by yours truly–but obstacles none the less. I feel bruised and battered from the onslaught of “no good news”. I am a little bird flying into windows I didn’t imagine were there. My nose is sore from pressing itself up against the glass in so many of my little life venues.

The message I have been getting from the universe is this: Wait. Sit. No. And I have been angry. I want to experience: Now. Go. Yes.

These last couple of weeks I have started to sullenly accept the wait, sit, no. I am adjusting to this season, to this reality, to this place I am. This quieter place. This space of not now. But perhaps too much. Because last night I realized that I had given up on Now. Go. Yes. I had moved into a grieving spot for it.

Letting go of the need to move forward feels healthy to me. Closing myself off to the possibility of moving forward does not. Its such a fine, practically invisible line, but once I cross it I know it. It is the the border between peace and despair.

My friend Jenni, she knows about this line too and together we talked about the challenge of staying grounded in reality while still staying open the possibility that reality is going to shift and change. Indeed, it always does. When reality is not so rosy, it is easy to only consider the negative possibilities. We whisper to ourselves instructions to come to terms with the possibility that we might not get well, might not accomplish our goal, might not have a fairy tale ending, might not reach the finish line.  But we feel so committed to helping our brains consider the negative that we refuse to give equal due to the other possibilities–we might get healthy, we might accomplish it and more, we might have the ending we hoped for or something better, we might reach the finish line and keep on moving.

I asked Jenni why we do this to ourselves?  Why do we only consider the negative?  Is it that we don’t want to be disappointed when the negative possibility comes true?  But really will we be any less disappointed when the time comes?  And by only considering that negative possibility have we actually taken a step to make sure that it is the only one that will come true?  In an effort to prepare our hearts for the worst, do we actually start to ensure that the worst is what we will face?

Somehow keeping open to all possibilities seems to be the lesson of my week.  To recognize that every moment, in fact every breath provides an opportunity for a new possibility to unfold. To learn to stay in whatever this moment brings knowing that the next brings a brand new world.

5 Responses to “The Choice of Possibility”

  1. Jena Says:

    I so relate to that impulse to jump to big conclusions.

    Greg used to say that after a few days of hiking on the Long Trail with Juke, Juke would figure, “This is how we live now.” Three days of getting up and walking all day was enough to convince Juke that that was simply his new way of life. Then he’d come home and get back into his home routines, which would once again be “how he lived now.”

    How you live now is a beautiful example of listening to yourself and trusting that big space where Wait. Sit. No. and Now. Go. Yes. can co-exist.

    Beautiful post, Meg.

  2. maggie, dammit Says:

    You are so very good at seeing life’s lessons when they arise. I admire that very much.

    And I have faith in you.

  3. rhea Says:

    I love reading your blog and check it often. Thank you for sharing (so openly and honestly) your thoughts and feelings. You’re helping others more than you realize 🙂

  4. Jen Ballantyne Says:

    Darling I agree with maggie,dammit totally! I loved our marathon chat, it didn’t even feel that long, I could have kept going!!!Lol..Seriously though it is so weird how after that conversation about being OPEN to possibilities, Jack got upset (I know you’ve seen the post) and I was racking my brain trying to think of possibilities. I opened myself to the possibilities and there it was, if he won’t come to us, we will go to him! A lot to think about, but I am OPEN to the possibility. I love you, you are my wise soul sister, my sweet dear friend whom one way or another I am going to get over there to visit with. Take care dear one. Hugs xxx

  5. bella Says:

    i love this.
    love you.
    i want to stay open to all possibilities, right along with you, along side you.