The other night I had a dream. I was running with a friend, one of my dearest friends, down a creek bed to waterfall. We were running with the exuberance and complete wild abandon of a couple of 10 year olds. The whole world seemed open, a bright and full of possibility. We got to the wild rapids and I jumped, sliding down the rocks into the river and let it tumble and carry me on a wild ride. My friend jumped with me and we hooted and hollered and tumbled head over feet, tossing and turning and being swept along. The river was wild, almost dangerous but we knew no fear. Then the water dumped us into a deep still clear pool where I swam like a porpoise, like an Olympian, like the strong swimmer I never was but always wanted to be. I woke up knowing my dream was about trust.
About two weeks ago a friend was over. After a long chat, she presented me with a deck of cards and invited me to shuffle the cards, close my eyes and pick one. This was the card that I picked. TRUST.The experience gave me goosebumps, or rather chills as I had already decided that TRUST would be my word for the year. Every year I pick a word to settle into. A word to set the tone of the year. A word to serve as a guiding light. The word for 2007 was “renewal”. For 2008 it was “blossom”. But this year it is trust.
Even looking back at the posts I chose as my favorites, this past year on theme seems to rise up and scream at me: Trust. Trust myself. Trust my heart. Trust my loved ones. Trust my life. Trust is my big promethean struggle–it is the boulder I push up the hill. Settling into it seems like a fitting new years resolution. The card I picked said this. It seems to be to be the truest thing I ever read:
The more we follow our intuition, the more we’ll find that the right doors open to assist us in fufilling our life’s purpose.
At a holiday party, one of my friends talked about being laid off. She told me how when she got the news, she called an old friend and mentor. This wise woman told her, “This is either the worst thing that has ever happened to you…or it is the best thing that has ever happened to you. You get to decide what it is. And however you decide will determine what happens next. What you choose to make it is up to you.” I have often thought this way about Juan leaving me. In some ways it was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. But in many ways it has also been the best. I have grown in new ways, ways I never would have explored had we stayed safe and secure in our less than perfect union.
I used to think that trust was impossible for me to wrap my heart around. I was a master at second guessing. A master at double checking. A master at making plans and then doing everything I could to push against the river to keep it from flowing. But I have come to realize that trusting is just as simple as relaxing into what is–that it is, that it can be the easiest of all possible ways. All around me, the universe is whispering “Trust, girlfriend…just let go and trust.” So this year, I chose TRUST. Not just as a word, but as an anthem…a way of life, a mantra, a prayer, a guide.
I will remember what it was to run along a creek bed. I will summon joy and jump into this messy, tumbling river called my life and let it carry me along through rapids, across rocks and ultimately to deep still water.
What is your word for the year? Whisper it here…or in your heart where it is most important?