Something came over me last night. It was blown in by the howling winds, the ones that roared and growled and shook the trees.  I didn’t see it coming, still don’t know where it came from.  This must have been me at 13, sulky and petulant with a little bit of sass, pushing back and out for no good reason.  Completely uncomfortable in her own skin.  Ambivalent and wavering and not sure of what she wants.  Not sure of where she is going.  Not even sure why she is here.

I normally have a pretty good sense of the why and how of my moods shift, and what is going on in my heart.  I normally know why I lose patience or feel frustrated or want to be alone.  I normally can explain and hold it all in tenderness, but this time I can only shrug my shoulders.  Somethings just are beyond explanation.

I sat on the couch in silence in this space when I was interrupted by Max, sleepwalking.  He was panicked and calling my name.  “Mama,” he cried looking right at me, “Where are you?”  “Right here mijito…right here”  I replied.

Three times I had to call him, to wake him up.  Three times it took to wake me back up again too.  The me that feels like me.  He climbed into my lap and I held him close up against my chest, happy to have found us both.  Happy to be home.

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