Say yes to adventure, even when you are not quite sure how to start. Say yes to the journey because maybe, just maybe declaring the start of the trip will somehow make the path appear. Say yes, because until YES is bellowed loud, it seems like it all could get canceled anyway. Say YES because YES reveals how we tell ourselves no all the time.

No sooner than I came out with my healer’s dream, I found myself a little stuck.

Now what? I wondered.

And suddenly, in the treatment room, during my own acupuncture session, the what appeared. My healer’s journey starts with myself and with a wound so big and huge that it threatens to swallow me and my sweet little dream up in it.

Its the wound that I keep so neat and tidy, underneath a flesh colored bandaid. I have hidden it from so many, especially those closest to me. I have covered it over so neatly and prettily that I was able to ignore it, pretend its not there. I fool everyone around me too.

Saying yes and deciding it was time to start making things happen is what ripped it I wide open.

Its the hurt that comes from my belief that I won’t get my needs met. It is the ache that results from the belief that I will always need to settle for something almost nice enough, and be content with it. It is the soreness in my heart where I tell myself that I should take my portion of happiness however small and say, “Thank you very much”, That I should not ask for too much (that I won’t get it anyway) and that good girls aren’t greedy.

For so long, I have been afraid to ask for too much. Afraid because I thought that I wouldn’t get it anyway and the disappointment would be crushing. Afraid because I thought that I would be scorned, laughed at, ridiculed for daring to believe anyone would give me what I need. “Can you believe she thought she was so (deserving, smart, lovable, worthy?” I hear them chuckle. I am afraid that if I dared ask for my dreams to come true, the abundance in my life, the goodness and richness and beauty would all evaporate. So I sat in gratitude for what came my way and told myself not to dare think about asking for one stitch more.

Over the years, I have disguised this wound from so many, and even from myself. The wanting and the believing that the wanting will never be satisfied left me feeling like I had a giant hole in my gut.

I have mis-used the language of Buddhism to console my little wounded heart and to keep it in check. I would think about desire and suffering and attachment and translate their lessons as “Don’t bother to dream too big girl” I tell myself. “Those dreams are not for you. Give up your wants and desires. Simply say thank you for what you have.”

In an effort to swallow disappointment I stopped asking for what my heart wants and needs, and I called it “contentment”. In order to prevent myself from being attached I gave it all up and told myself I didn’t deserve it.

Teasing out the difference between this burying of my dreams and seeking true contentment seems to be my work right now. To be honest it seems like messy stuff and I feel as though I am stumbling along gracelessly.

Yet, I believe it is possible to live in the moment, awake and present to whatever that comes my way, to find joy and happiness in the messiness of now without promises of certainty. But I also believe that living this way does not mean that I need to turn a deaf ear to the whispers of my heart, the ones that beckon me on journeys, and call me toward my dreams. I can play in their possibilities without attaching to them. I can chase the butterflies, without attachment to catching them. I can ask for what I need to start this journey. I can ask and I can believe that it will show up without being attached to what that looks like.

I know I am brave enough. (she says with a gulp)

I think it starts with YES.

4 Responses to “Saying Yes”

  1. Trish Says:

    Have you read the ‘The Wishing Year’ by Noelle Oxenhandler? I’m reading it now and it resonates with this post.

    There is no ridicule, judgment, scorn, laughing at you. As Kelly Rae Roberts (check out her website http://www.kellyraeroberts.com) says ‘be brave in love’ however you translate this. Y*O*U A*R*E B*R*A*V*E for S*A*Y*I*N*G Y*E*S to your D*R*E*A*M.

    I support you.

    Much love,
    Trish

  2. kim Says:

    you inspire me.

  3. Kara aka Mother Henna Says:

    Meg, such an interesting post! In Paul Rebillot’s book “Call to Adventure” he talks a lot about how our Demon or Shadow comes out of the stopping of ourselves. We may have learned the habit when potty training — and it was great for getting out of diapers — but when applied to stopping ourselves from reaching for our dreams it is a practice gone awry.

    Interesting, too, that your vision came during a session of body care. For me, too, doing tapping or Reiki often releases something I was holding in my muscles or cells, opens a channel to see what I was hiding from myself, what was in the Shadow.

    Thanks for sharing all this with us!
    miracles and loud YESes to you 🙂
    k-

  4. Karen Maezen Miller Says:

    Interesting that you think the language of Buddhism is “no.” There is no deafness in the language of all things.