All my life, well, at least as long as I remember I have been under the impression (or should I say misconception) that if something was worth doing, it was hard. It required labor and work and a whole lot of earnestness and heavy thought.
And so it was when I talked to Kaiya about how I would heal this soul wound, the one that is keeping me from asking for what I need, the one that tells me that I should simply not want more than what I have been given, I had a plan that involved a lot of work.
I laid out my strategy for her. I involved a lot of thinking, and journaling, and making art. It would involve being still and being insightful and being open, and I was up to the task, because mind you, I am no slacker. I can roll up my sleeves with the best of them and do my work.
Sweet, Kaiya, she listens so patiently and then smiles. “What if its not so hard?” she asks me. “What if its easy?” I look at her like she has three heads.
“Yes,” she said. “What if its only hard, because you are making it hard? What if part of the healing is recognizing that life CAN be easy. That joy doesn’t have to hard. That love, and abundance and wonder is all coming to you, just because. What if?”
I was silent. I kept looking at her. I heard her…but had I really heard her? What was she saying? Easy? Had I heard right?
“Yes,” she smiled “easy. What would it feel like to you if healing from this was…easy. What would that look like.”
I was stunned. I had not once considered this.
What would it be like to simply declare, “That is how I used to do things. That is how I am used to see the world. Now I am going to do it differently.” And then practice. Make lots of false starts and a couple of mistakes but playfully laugh them all off, and keep going. Easy going. Simply. Voila.
Recently while I was contemplating all this I read about how the only thing you need to do to run a marathon is start and keep going. And practice.
It has made me wonder, how many obstacles we create out of thin air, simply by declaring the path hard. Doing hard things requires energy (which we often don’t have) and pain (which we don’t want) and a certain amount of conditions that need to be pre-met. Does it mean we never start?
Or when we do start do we avoid the simple path and take a long, windy, complicated one when it isn’t necessary. How many mountains do we climb when there is a short-cut right through the pass?
I can’t tell you how many ideas I have given up on because I was exhausted and overwhelmed thinking about the process.
I am not sure what changes in life this new found wisdom will bring? Will the dreams I am dreaming unfold with grace now if I adopt this new ease. It is so tempting to fall into a trap of expectation, to swing on the pendulum so completely in the other direction but I don’t want to let myself use that as an excuse to talk myself out of faith and trust and starting.