my table

Sometimes the best way to unstick yourself is to go back and touch an old dream before it was born. To go back and read what you wrote, once upon a time, about how someday, maybe you wish you might get to do it. And then to realize that ever since you wrote it down you have been taking baby steps in that direction, steadily forward, onward never stopping.

Sometimes the most important thing to realize that the word “stuck” is a sticky tricky word, and often it glues you to a perspective when really you are moving.

A friend of mine recently inspired me to go back and look at the Mondo Beyondo list I made several years ago, when I first began to believe that dreams might actually come true. I wrote that list when Juan and I were separating, when the world had fallen apart and I was block by block imagining my life exactly as I wanted it to be, and without even realizing it, block by block building its foundation, underground, out of sight, but there.

Many of my old dreams are not yet realized in the way that is “ta-da, DONE” but I am realizing that they are active, alive, in progress and that I am living the life I always dreamed of, even if it looks like I am swimming in place against a current, even if it feels I am not moving.

Once, I looked at a soulsister talking about dreams and I said offhandedly, trying to sound hopeful when I was maybe drowning in an inch of despair. “I am getting there…” I choked. She grabbed my face in her sweet hands and held it like a mother, looking deep in my blue eyes with hers.

“There is no arriving, there is no there…there is only here, now. You can’t arrive because you are in fact, already here. Don’t you get it…you are living your dream right now–it is unfolding as we speak”

Once upon a time, I only dreamt about writing publicly. Once upon a time I dreamt of owning a guitar and making music of my own. Once upon a time I dreamt of dancing freely while people I loved played music for me. Once upon a time I dreamt of having community that is messy, authentic, deep and true. These dreams are not my future–they are my present…became my present the minute I wrote them down, blessed them and blew them like kisses up to the heavens. With that very first step, I made them real.

There are things I need to do. I need to raise money for school to take this dream of being a healer to its next step. I need to do other seemingly impossible things too. I am not quite sure how I will do it, but the reality is it is happening, maybe at a glacial pace, maybe like a flower unfolding.

I sit and watch and I see nothing moving. I scream that the flower is stuck, but look now at her petals stretching out to the sun, tiny bit by tiny bit. Imperceptible perhaps but moving. A tiny shimmer, a tiny shift…one by one they add up to a gentle current that carries us.

The dreams I have now are deeper, fuller expressions of the dreams I once had. They are not all that different and truth is, they are not far away from where I am now, even though it seems so far. The only thing to do is to get up in the morning and do what I do, what I can do, even if I don’t think it is changing much of anything just yet, changing the view from time to time. Get and idea and explore it, play with the possibility and see where it leads. And take a step. Small as it may be.

This dream I have, it is living me, one tiny moment, one imperceptible breath at a time.

4 Responses to “The Dream that is Living Me”

  1. Lindsey Says:

    Thank you for these lovely words, which really struck a chord in my heart. I have so many of the same concerns right now, about internal shifts not yet being visible externally, and worries about whether I am really making any progress. Your gorgeous writing and deeply thoughtful points of view really make me feel less alone.

    My thoughts are here:

    Thank you.

  2. Jena Says:

    Deeper, fuller steps. Trust life! Yourself! What a blessing to be on this walk together.

  3. Jennifer Says:

    Thank you for being courageous enough to share your thoughts and experiences here. For us all to see and learn from, so that we may grow, too. You are an inspiration and I am grateful you are here.

  4. Trish Says:

    I, too, my friend have felt many, many times that way you feel. Once upon a time I dreamt of meeting authentic, genuine people who saw, spoke and walked their steps in the world with the truth and beauty you do. I get the privilege of knowing you and having spent time with you. You’re a jewel. Remember this please. I’ll be in MD again in December. Would love to see you and magic Max.