Even now, thinking about it, I wonder why I, someone who feels so well loved and cared for,  am so in touch with the feeling of being left out.  As a child it was the theme of my school day angst–much to the bewilderment of my parents.  Is it the fact that Max will be starting a new school that has brought up all my own childhood anxieties?

I ask myself what I need to learn from it, as long as I am feeling it.  I  breathe in and think about all the people in my life who might be feeling like that right now.  I wonder if there is any innocent mistakes that I make that leave others feeling a little more lonely.  I remind myself that I need to be careful and vigilant to be inclusive and expansive and welcoming and not to treat my community as an exclusive club but rather to think of it like a mecca of connectedness.

And I smile a slighly bemused smile to learn that being included even now at the ripe old age of almost 38 I still long to be part of the gang and that my heart is still as tender as it was when I was 8.  I marvel at how being connected and included and wanted and not forgotten still is powerfully important to me.  And I find myself arguing with myself over whether this discovery is a good thing (self discovery, in touch with the tender inner part of our hearts) or a bad thing (I am too sensitive, not rational, childish).  My inner mother ends the debate by declaring it just is and reminds me that this sensitivity is usually a signal that I need to hold myself with a little bit of kindness and love for awhile.  That maybe I need to rest and drink tea.  And be thankful for the big loving and expansive community that does hold me and has me feeling loved, cherished and appreciated

Comments are closed.