For the third time in a week, something happened today where I thought I had been left out only to later realize it was a mistake and that I had been included the whole time. I have to admit, even though I imagine myself strong and tough, this week I have found myself touching a vulnerable part of my heart–the part that feels really hurt not to be included in the game. It surprises me how strongly it stung to feel, even momentarily, like I was on the outside looking in on my precious little tribe.
Even now, thinking about it, I wonder why I, someone who feels so well loved and cared for, am so in touch with the feeling of being left out. As a child it was the theme of my school day angst–much to the bewilderment of my parents. Is it the fact that Max will be starting a new school that has brought up all my own childhood anxieties?
I ask myself what I need to learn from it, as long as I am feeling it. I breathe in and think about all the people in my life who might be feeling like that right now. I wonder if there is any innocent mistakes that I make that leave others feeling a little more lonely. I remind myself that I need to be careful and vigilant to be inclusive and expansive and welcoming and not to treat my community as an exclusive club but rather to think of it like a mecca of connectedness.
And I smile a slighly bemused smile to learn that being included even now at the ripe old age of almost 38 I still long to be part of the gang and that my heart is still as tender as it was when I was 8. I marvel at how being connected and included and wanted and not forgotten still is powerfully important to me. And I find myself arguing with myself over whether this discovery is a good thing (self discovery, in touch with the tender inner part of our hearts) or a bad thing (I am too sensitive, not rational, childish). My inner mother ends the debate by declaring it just is and reminds me that this sensitivity is usually a signal that I need to hold myself with a little bit of kindness and love for awhile. That maybe I need to rest and drink tea. And be thankful for the big loving and expansive community that does hold me and has me feeling loved, cherished and appreciated
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